More Than A Feeling

“I am listening to what fear teaches. I will never be gone. I am a scar, a report from the front lines, a talisman, a resurrection. A rough place on the chin of complacency.”

- Audre Lorde

My relationship with fear is probably the most consistent relationship that I’ve ever had. I’ve spent most of my life hiding from, facing, bracing for, and diving into fear. Fear drives me into mistakes, drives me away from blessings, and pushes me towards triumph in equal measure.

For years, I was stuck. Stuck in a job I didn’t really like, in a place that didn’t really encourage my growth beyond what fit the general narrative, and in a mental state so afraid of failure and disappointing others that I doubled down in my retreat from any and all opportunity to truly harness my own power and drive. I married my fear to shame, hid from my potential, and manifested exactly what I was hiding from - failure, loneliness, regret, for a lot longer that I ever realized. I gave in to the fear instead of harnessing it and using it to push me into truly living an authentic and free life.

Here’s what I’ve learned - Fear really sucks. Fear can have you doubting your talents, relationships, and potential. I still haven’t figured out Fear completely, I don’t think it’s possible. Instead, I’m learning how to recognize it, and from there, try to figure out the best way to categorize it. Which Fear is this? Is this the fear that I’m not qualified? The fear that I’m not pretty enough? The fear that I should just be grateful for how things are now and stop trying to do it all? The answer to those questions is another question - Why not me?

That question has become like a mantra to me, one that shuts Fear down on the spot, and puts me back in control. It helps me turn the nervousness into excitement, the doubt into determination, and I just freakin’ go for it. Sometimes I win, other times it just doesn’t work out. But the feeling of trying and not being successful feels a whole lot better than wondering what if. Of course nothing compares to the triumph you feel when you’ve stared Fear in the face, jumped anyway, and come out on top.

Now there are still times when Fear keeps me in place. The Fear of Rejection is my biggest foe. It keeps me from acting on any sort of feelings that I have, or to trust that romantic overtures directed towards me are real. I get physically sick over the prospect of telling someone that I consider them a prospect. I just imagine the laugh that will surely follow if my make my move, so I don’t.

The source of all this? When I was in college, I was asked out by a guy over the phone (it was the 90’s, there was no other option). He told me that he always thought I was pretty and liked me, and wanted to take me out. I said yes, and was so excited. It was the first time anyone had ever asked me out! My friends and I went shopping for an outfit, I got my hair done, the whole ball of wax. The night came, and I waited in the lobby of my residence hall, nervous about meeting this person for the first time. He never came. I was so disappointed. And then I found out that as part of fraternity intake, guys were calling girls they considered “ugly” and asking them out and then standing them up. Crushed doesn’t begin to describe how I felt. I felt stupid, destroyed, like a joke. Of course it wasn’t real, obviously I should have known that girls that are considered beautiful are asked out face to face. And the sad thing? It happened again! You want to feel like an idiot? Fall for the same prank twice. The first time I bought it because I was excited. The second time I bought it because I was hopeful.

I held onto that hurt for 20 years. Only therapy helped me actually face it and recognize it for what it was, a stupid cruel joke by weak, insecure men. It was never about me, it was about small people trying (and succeeding) to make someone else feel small. That’s what fear is, it makes you feel responsible for someone else’s feelings or reactions or perceptions. Fear makes you try to predict, think the worst, and accept that as truth. I was actively assuming that any dude showing me attention was obviously joking, and I made the decision for them that I wasn’t someone they wanted. And in my head, it became true. Those blinders made me miss a lot. I still miss a lot (seriously, my friends have to point these things out to me), but I’m lowering those blinders and pushing through the fear. It’s still really dang hard though, and that’s just part of the journey to being whole.

Fear is more than a feeling. Fear can be a driver (positive and negative). It can be an ending or a beginning. All you have to do is choose.